


Dumped & Drunk

by SSSRHA



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bromance, Dialogue Heavy, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Fluff without Plot, Friendship, Funny, Gen, Hilarious, One Shot, Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-25 07:17:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16192739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SSSRHA/pseuds/SSSRHA
Summary: When Hinata and Sakura make-out, dumping their respective boyfriends (on their double-date, no less), Naruto and Sasuke are left alone to figure out what just happened. Naruto's mad and Sasuke's trying to be a mature adult. [No bashing - Mentions F/F]





	Dumped & Drunk

**There was**  a stunned silence.

"D-Did Sakura and Hinata just-"

"They did…"

"And they just left-"

"They did…"

"And we're stuck with the bill!"

"We are."

"Why are you so okay with this?!" Naruto demanded.

Sasuke's eye twitched. "My girlfriend just dumped me for your girlfriend. I am  _not_  okay with this."

"Then why are you so calm?!"

"Because, unlike  _you,_  I'm a mature adult."

" _But our girlfriends just declared that they were lesbians and dumped us!"_

"I'm actually pretty sure that Hinata said she was bisexual and Sakura said she was pan, but sure."

" _I don't care about their sexualities, I want my girlfriend back!"_

Sasuke leaned back and let out an irritated sigh. "What are you going to do? She literally just  _dumped_  you. While making out with my girlfriend, no less. What makes you think that either of us can get them back?"

"It's called true love!"

"No," Sasuke corrected, "it's called  _creepy._  Unless you want a restraining order, don't do anything stupid."

Naruto wilted. "But...but true love!"

"What about borders? And respecting people's decisions?"

"What about respecting  _my_  decisions?!"

"Idiot, Hinata is quite obviously not into you and it is well within her rights to dump you."

"Again, you seem way too okay with this!"

Sasuke's face was calm but his chopsticks snapped in half and his bowl of rice slammed onto the table. "No," he said, face perfectly composed, "I am just a  _mature adult."_

Naruto flinched backward. "R-Right…"

There was a minute of silence before Sasuke turned and picked the food out of Sakura's plate on put it on his own. At Naruto's inquisitive look, he shrugged. "What? It's not like she's going to eat it."

Unable to argue with that logic, Naruto copied him, taking food out of Hinata's plate.

"...I'm ordering some  _sake."_

"Is getting drunk really a good idea?"

"I don't care," Naruto snapped. "I just want to get drunk."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "No wonder Hinata dumped you."

Naruto's mouth curled into a scowl. "No wonder Sakura dumped  _you."_

There was another silence before Naruto shook his head and waved down the waiter.

"Anything else you… wait, weren't there four of you?" the waiter asked.

Naruto just put his face in his hand and sighed. "Get us two bottles of  _sake."_

The waiter's eyes widened. "Of course."

Sasuke mentally growled at the pity in his eyes.

As he walked off, Naruto muttered, "Should have asked for four…"

"Are you really ready to down four bottles of  _sake?"_  Sasuke asked, eyebrow raised.

Naruto snorted. "No way. I'm going for two. The other two are yours."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "Why'd you order me  _sake?"_

Naruto glanced up. "Do you want me to cancel the order?"

Naruto smirked at Sasuke's silence.

No one said a thing until the  _sake_  arrived.

Naruto immediately swallowed three cups while Sasuke sipped his.

"So," Naruto said, "who's next on your list?"

Sasuke paused. "What?"

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Who're you gonna date next?"

Sasuke took another sip from his cup. "Why would I date anyone? I just got dumped."

Naruto snorted. "Please, you're Mr. Perfect. Emotionless McIce-Face. It's not like you  _care._  You've definitely got hundreds of girls lined up." Naruto downed another cup. "So, who's next?"

Sasuke took a sip. "I know that you're probably mentally incapable of processing this, but I'm a  _human being._  I have  _morals."_

"I'm not that drunk."

"I know."

Naruto glared at him before barking out a laugh.

"Ha! I deserved that, I guess."

Sasuke paused mid-sip.

"You must be really drunk to admit that."

"I'm not drunk on  _sake,_  I'm drunk on sorrow."

"See, I know you  _tried_  to make that sound deep, but it really wasn't."

Naruto sighed. "Ungrateful little-"

"Language."

"You don't even know what I was going to say."

Sasuke smirked and his eyes morphed into a Sharingan. "What makes you think I don't know?"

Naruto scoffed. "Sharingan isn't the answer to everything."

"True, but it  _is_  the answer to  _nearly_  everything."

A sigh. "I can't argue with you there."

_Sip._  "So, how long do you plan on staying here?"

"Why?"

"I need to make sure you don't do something stupid like breaking into Hinata's house."

"Aw, you care!"

_Sip._ "If you get in trouble,  _I'm_  going to be the first person people come to demanding answers."

"...good enough." A pause. "Honestly, though, I can't believe I never knew that Hinata was lesbian-"

"Bisexual," Sasuke corrected. "And Sakura's pansexual. We went over this, remember?"

"Not really. Seriously, how did I not know?"

Sasuke shrugged. "She probably just never mentioned it to you. Sakura didn't mention it to me, either. Our gender was on their spectrum and theirs was on ours, I think that was all we really cared about."

Naruto sighed and Sasuke sipped his cup again. He was on his tenth one by now, going surprisingly fast.

"Hey, Sasuke."

Sasuke glanced up.

"You're pretty smart, you know that?"

"I know. I wasn't Rookie of the Year for nothing."

"Yeah, but it always makes me feel nice when someone compliments my intelligence, so I decided to compliment yours."

Sasuke snorted. "I assume that you aren't getting very many of those."

Naruto sighed and leaned back into the booth's cushion. "Yeah. They're little bits of happiness that I've lost and will never be able to find again. Like the other sock."

Sasuke stared at Naruto for a second. "...in all the years I've known you, I have made a startling discovery...well, discover _ies,_  but only one is relevant at the moment."  _Sip._  "You're smarter than you look."

Naruto stilled. A small smile crept onto his face. "Thanks. I needed the other sock."

"I'm not a miracle-worker," Sasuke said. " _No one_  can find the other sock."

"Meh, it's close enough."

The waiter approached them again. "Is everything going good so far? Do you need anything else?"

Sasuke was about to shake his head but Naruto interrupted him. "Two more bottles of  _sake."_

The waiter smiled. "Of course."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "I think we've had enough for today."

"I'm still having complex thoughts, so no, it is not enough."

"At this rate, you're going to get alcohol poisoning."

"Nah, the Kyuubi'll fix me right up."

"One of these days the demon in your stomach is going to complain about how much chakra it's wasting on you."

Naruto paused. "...no, it won't. It'll just continue threatening to destroy me."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.  _Sip._  "Honestly, it feels odd to call Kyuubi  _it._  I wouldn't be as bothered if I didn't know that it can talk."

"It's a psychotic beast that's basically a walking natural disaster," Naruto deadpanned. "Not to mention it kinda ruined my life. I am well within my rights to refer to the Kyuubi as  _it."_

Sasuke shrugged.  _Sip._  "I don't know, it just feels kind of...wrong, I guess."

"So does calling that one weird cousin of yours an Uchiha, but here we are."

_Sip._  "Despite popular opinion, Uchiha are not all blocks of ice. My brother is actually a bit of an outlier in that regard. When we're young, we're just as carefree and peppy as other kids. The Uchihaness is a learned trait."

"...you're drunk, aren't you?"

_Sip._  "I'm not drunk on  _sake,_  I'm drunk on  _sorrow."_

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Of course. You're even more of a jerk when you're drunk."

Sasuke scowled. "I am  _not."_

"You totally are."

"Hey, I helped you find the other sock!"

"And then you lost it. Again."

Sasuke let out an irritated sigh. "I always come  _this_  close but never actually do it."

"Everyone's in the same boat, Sasuke."

_Si-_

The cup slipped from Sasuke's hands and fell onto the table with a crash. Smirking, Naruto reached over and started to pick up the shards.

His sunshine hair tickled Sasuke's nose, who inhaled deeply.

"You smell good," Sasuke muttered. "What conditioner do you use?"

Naruto paused. He glanced up, startled, before resuming his smirk. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Yes, actually, I would."

Naruto chuckled and continued cleaning up Sasuke's mess.

"I'm the one who was chugging straight out of the bottle and yet you're the one who's thoroughly drunk."

"I'm not the one with a nine-tailed fox living in my stomach."

"Maybe, but you  _are_  the one who's responsible and calm and collected and all that stuff."

"All of which probably aren't my best traits. Are any of my traits good traits? You and Kakashi always complain about my lack of a sense of humor, but it's not  _my_  fault that nothing's funny! Maybe  _that's_  the problem and if I laughed a bit then I would have a girlfriend right now instead of sitting alone with my best friend in a restaurant booth, drunk on  _sake_  and sorrow, and complaining about my life choices!"

"...dude, are you okay?"

"I'm fine!" Sasuke snapped. "Just peachy! It's not like I'm  _single_  or anything. Do you have any idea how many women are throwing themselves at me?!"

"A lot?" Naruto guessed.

"Three hundred seventy-eight."

"...huh. That's oddly specific. So why are you moping over the fact that you're single? You've three hundred seventy-eight other options, don't you?"

"I don't like every single girl I see! I have  _tastes_  and  _preferences._  For example, for some reason I don't really like girls with dark hair. Or girls with long hair."

Naruto chuckled slightly. "Heh. I remember in the Academy most of the girls wore their hair long because you supposedly liked it that way."

"I never got that. I mean, how did that rumor even start?"

Naruto hummed. Then a mysterious glint entered his eyes. "Maybe it's because of your brother."

Sasuke blinked. "What does my brother have to do with this?"

"Well, everyone knows that you adore him. One of his most prominent features is his long hair. I suppose that it isn't much of a stretch to assume that you like long hair."

"...how did we start talking about my dating preferences?"

"Well, you were complaining about how you were single and-"

"Thanks for reminding me."

"Wow, you're a lot funnier when you're drunk."

"On sorrow."

"Yes, on sorrow."

A pause. "I really think I should go home."

Naruto shook his head. "Sure, whatever, we're both drunk anyway."

"Just earlier you were claiming that you're definitely not drunk enough because you're still having complex thoughts."

"That was before you started to act like a normal person and, frankly, it's scaring me."

"Rude."

"Did  _you_  really just call  _me_  rude?"

"I did."

"...I'm waving the waiter down for the bill."

"Of course. Are we splitting in the bill?"

"Actually, didn't Hinata say that she had a tab here?"

"Are you really-"

"It's not like I'm  _bitter_  or anything."

"You're totally bitter."

"No, I'm drunk. On sorrow."

"Heh."

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually originally meant to be a SasuNaru fic (evidence of this can be seen when Sasuke smells Naruto's hair. I decided to just pass it off as him being drunk) but that obviously didn't work out. I've found that I'm really bad at writing romance. Eh, fluff is just as good.
> 
> I hope that you've had a great day and, if not, I hope that tomorrow's better. This is SSSRHA, signing out!


End file.
